Before complete surrender
by Simarilaty
Summary: Ana left Christian after the incident with Elena, calling her a gold-digger. It's a year since the two broke up and Ana is just living her life in Montesano.
1. Intro

I want to dive into your ocean  
I'm afraid your waters are too deep  
And I'll fall with honest true devotion  
Far from any shore that I've known before  
And I'd never leave, and I forget to breathe

I want to open up the door to  
The promises of love that you're, I'm sure  
And I'm afraid of how much I'll adore you  
That your love is the only kind of love  
That I would ever want to know

So I'll draw a line, before complete surrender  
Cause you'd just be too much for me  
Too strong, too sweet and too damn overwhelming  
I'm dying to make the most of us together  
Because this is just what it is  
And what it is I know I've never felt it

You paint my world in a different kind of colors  
You play new chords to my song  
And we could so easily be lovers  
As much as I would love to try  
We'd end up in a place we don't belong

So I'll draw a line, before complete surrender  
Cause you'd just be too much for me  
Too strong, too sweet and too damn overwhelming  
I'm dying to make the most of us together  
Because this is just what it is  
And what it is I know I've never felt it

So I'll draw a line, before complete surrender  
Cause you'd just be too much for me  
Too strong, too sweet and too damn overwhelming  
I'm dying to make the most of us together  
Because this is just what it is  
And what it is I know I've never felt it

I want to dive into your ocean

* * *

The common linnets - before complete surrender.  
I wanted this song to be the first chapter, since this was what inspired me to write this story.


	2. Chapter 1

Every day without him is like a nightmare, a dream. I am the one who has chosen that, although I can't really remember why at this moment. But I know. I feel. He is too much for me, everything of him is too much. I want to protect him, from me. From the person I am, because I am to stubborn to be his. I can't live with his need to control my life, to tell me what to do and his need of control. He needs someone who can.

I think I left a week after what happened at the party where Elena called me a gold-digger, I can't really remember. I was in a psychotic mood, think everything over and I came to the conclusion that this was the best for everyone. It had took me ages to get rid of him, to tell him we didn't belong together and I didn't love him anymore. Although I got him convinced to leave me, it was the press who was still following me now and then. It was all fucked up.

I have slowly moved on after I hadn't heard anything of him anymore. At first it was a relieve, then it became a burden and now I've learned to accept things as they are. I've convinced myself that this was the best for us, something that has worked for the past year. But sometimes, it hits me in the face.

''Ana, are you okay?'' It's Ray. I smile, I love my father. He must have heard me coming home after work, but I haven't said anything yet, so he's probably worried. ''Yes, I'm fine, thank you.'' After I left Christian I decided to move in with Ray. Next to that I got a job at Montesano High School. Nothing much, but right now I don't want anything but much. I just want to live, to move on and getting myself together before applying for a better job. And with getting myself together, I really mean getting myself together. Without Kate or Christian next to me, I have changed a lot. Nobody tells me what to do, and to be honest I like it that way. Also, I don't have to compare myself anymore with Kate. I always did that when she was around and I still envy her for her relationship. Because everything works out for her, always.

I sigh, stretch my back and get off my bed. First I will cook something for Ray and me, and after that I will head for the street to get myself some exercise. Seriously, I hate exercising but I found it really relaxing to get my mind of him. Also I got the goal to lose some weight, which keeps me busy all the time since I love food.  
Weeping my mind I start to walk downstairs and enter the kitchen.  
''How was work dear?'' I frown. He usually doesn't ask that. A little bit bewildered I shrug my shoulders.  
''Doing the administration of all those brats is sometimes really tiring. Just a lot of paparazzi today.'' I still don't know why that was. I mean, I'm not with him anymore, so why bother taking pictures of me entering the school?  
''Yeah… so you don't know?'' he asks while I start to get some ingredients out of the fridge. A dreadful feeling starts to creep my back. I look at Ray in silence.  
''He's in Montesano, for a business deal I believe.'' I think I can't breathe. First, why here? Second, how did my father know? ''He called me last week, wanted to know how you were doing. He wanted to see you, but I told him that probably wouldn't be such a good idea.'' That explained.  
''No, that's a horrifying idea!'' _No it's not._ My heart starts to beat faster. Fuck. If I knew Christian well enough – If he hadn't changed like I did – I know he will be here in a short period of time. I have to get away. From here, from myself, now. _You're so not over him. _ Not really noticing of what I'm doing I drop the food. I don't want to see him. ''Can you cook today, please?''  
Ray simply nods, avoiding any further talk about Christian I grab my phone and walk out of the house, into the garden. The warmth of the outside world comforts me and as I lay down in the grass, put in my earphones and close my eyes, I simply forget about everything.


	3. Chapter 2

I couldn't get to sleep, simply because I couldn't get my mind of him. I think it was around 4.30 I decided I had to do something besides thinking about him. Without any further thoughts I dressed in my running clothes and put on my running shoes, went outside and just started running. With no clue on the time I kept on going, trying to run away from my mind, from any thoughts that bothered me. I was so afraid of seeing him that It sickened me. All I wanted was to run home, pack my bags and leave as fast as I could. If only..  
Suddenly I see someone running in front of me. Trying to avoid a collision I try to step aside. While doing so I trip and fall down on the pavement. A warm feeling goes through my arm and a little bit disorientated I look at it. Blood.  
''Miss Steele? Oh god, I'm so sorry.'' It's one of the teachers that works at Montesano as well. I don't really know him, but he sure does look good in his sport outfit. Really matches his dark hair. ''you are bleeding.''  
''It will pass.'' I say harshly as I take his hand to crawl up. He frowned and I give him a little smile, since I don't want to look rude. ''So…''  
''See you at school.'' I start to run again. The faster I would be at home, the faster I would be ready for work, and looking at the sky that would be in less than two hours.  
Once I'm home I head for the bathroom, pull out my clothes and start to shower. Within five minutes I'm done and once dried I pull on my bathrobe, walk towards my room and lock myself up in there. Slowly I sit down on my bed and pull out my bathrobe while looking at my elbow. I did fall hard on the pavement. A huge scratch is visible and since I'm out of the shower it seems to be bleeding again. Why do I have to be such huge disaster? Irritated I dress myself, walk down and start to search in the kitchen for a first aid kit.  
''Ray, do you have a first aid kit somewhere in here?'' I ask him irritated when I see he came down to the kitchen as well. ''Ehm, yes, let me get it.''

After Ray had wrapped my arm in some bandage, I took the bicycle to work. Once there, my whole mind was swept back to Christian. How else could it be, there was so much paparazzi buzzing on the school ground, that everyone would be reminded of him. A bit hyper I stepped of my bicycle and started walking the last few meters, hoping I would just blend in with the rest of the people arriving at the school.  
''There she is!''  
Great, simply, great. I hate the press, I hate the fact to be constantly linked to him. Count the fact I hate missing him and you have to perfect cocktail for someone to be completely fucked up. I miss my easy life.  
''Miss Steele, have you spoken Mr. Grey already?'' In the corners of my eyes I see the teacher that had let me crash to the ground this morning. In the real daylight he looks even better. ''I don't intend to, I-'' He comes walking towards me, as if he smells I can use some help. ''I have a new friend.'' When he is finally near enough I pull him towards me. Without thinking about any consequences I start kissing him. I hear a lot of people talk and kissing this guy is.. way of limit. First he is _old_ and second, I don't like him that way. Confused I stop with whatever I was doing, grab his hand and make my way through the crowd while pulling him with me. I want to run away as far as I can, hide for the rest of my life in a cave or something.  
It feels like ages till we hit the building, but in reality it's only less than a minute. ''I'm so, terribly, sorry.'' I mutter while walking away. He simply follows me as I walk to my little office. ''I get it.'' he says. I try to ignore him until I'm there and able to sit, which is pretty hard. Once I do so, I look at him. Why is he so friendly? I mean, I don't even know his name.  
''The name's Robert.'' as if he could read my thoughts. ''How is your arm doing?''  
''Look, I hope I don't get you into trouble with doing this. It will probably be in some stupid magazine or on the news.'' I say, ignoring his question. I really hope he doesn't have a wife, because then things will get really complicated.  
''I won't.'' he just stands there, looking around my office. While he does so, I keep my eyes closely on him. Hell, how old is he? His brown hair matches his hazel eyes perfectly. I think he's somewhere in his late thirties, but he looks good for a man that age.  
''I have to go to class.'' I smile at him and wish him good luck. A big smile appears on his smile. ''Will be fine.'' As he leaves, I wonder what he was thinking about.

The rest of the day both Christian and Robert keep buzzing my mind. Something in Robert attracts me, and the fear of Christian seeing pictures of what happened makes me anxious. Going home after today seems like something I just can't do, mainly because I am afraid Christian will be waiting for me there. Second thing is that Ray will have an opinion about it as well.  
Before I know it I am looking through the files I have in the administration locker, searching for Robert's files. It takes a while before I find them, but once I do I write down his address in my cellphone. I frown. Now I am doing it, playing for Sherlock like Christian always did. I bite my lips, shrug my shoulders and put everything away. Once I'm finished I shut down my computer. While picking up my keys I feel my phone buzzing. Probably Ray, begging me to hurry so I can cook for him. I start to laugh and pick my cellphone out of my pocket. Slowly my smile fades away and I start to feel dizzy.  
_''We need to talk.'' _


	4. Chapter 3

Someone asked if they will end up together. Yes, they will.  
This part is real short because I had a new idea while writing this. From there the story will be more evolving.

* * *

How did he get this phone number? Kate.. she must have given it to him. _Or he played Sherlock, just like you did girl. _Not having any clue about what I have to do I dial Rays number. As soon as I hear his voice I start babbling.  
''Dad, is he there?'' Radio silence. I knew enough.  
''I won't be coming home until he's gone.''  
Immediately I hang up the phone, turn the damn thing off and walk out of my office and out of the building. Paparazzi is still buzzing around and as soon as they see me, they start coming towards me. My heart starts to beat harder and harder as I just walk them by, pushing someone aside to just let me pass this time. It took a few seconds to get my bike and to get away from the building. I start to cycle as fast as I can to the only place I know from when I was a child.

A big lake is looking at me as I throw my bike on the ground. What do I have to do? I'm not ready to face Christian, to look at him and to admit that I love that dominant prick. I mean, who am I fooling anyway? Living with him is impossible. I wish I had only left him because that b*tch called me a gold-digger and he didn't even bother to really defend me. No, it was so much worse. The way that she possessed him after all those years, the way he always ran to her when she needed him or when he had troubles with me. But she wasn't the only problem. His demanding behavior over me, telling me where I could go or not, telling me if I could drive my car and telling me what to eat and what not to. I wonder how Elena is, if she does everything what he demands when he is around her. I shake my head. No, leaving him was the best for me I could have ever done. Behind that demanding character was a lovely guy, behind all his demons and without the bitch.. but I wasn't ready for him. For all of that. I would have been broken if I stayed. The moment I left felt as such a relieve, because I knew I could make my own decisions again. Because I didn't have to stand in someone else's shadow, to not feel good enough.  
I sink down to my knees and then let myself drop down in the grass. Tears start to fill up my eyes. I don't know what I want anymore. Having him here is awful, because it drives me insane. I want to stay away from him, to just.. forget. I want to run, probably I would give up everything to just get away to the other side of the country. Or fly, fly to Europe and get to live there. Perhaps that is what I should do. I just want to know if staying, is better than goodbye.


End file.
